


Whenever I'm Alone With You

by alskdjfhg



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-08 23:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1960638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alskdjfhg/pseuds/alskdjfhg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ned wakes up one morning 15 years in the past to find that Robert's Rebellion never occurred. Brandon is Lord of Winterfell, Lyanna is lady of Storm's End and Catelyn is Brandon's wife. But Ned has lived a whole life with Catelyn as his wife and cannot stop himself from acting on his love for her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ned opened his eyes slowly to find himself in a room in what looked like Winterfell, only something felt different. Physically he felt odd, and as he came to his senses the room appeared to be not his bedchamber as the Lord of Winterfell, but the bedchamber of his youth. Then with a jolt of dread and pain he remembered. He remembered what the witch had told him in his dream the previous night.

 

_"With one word I could reverse the past, the war that took so many lives, including your father and siblings. Including half the Riverland's that burnt at the hands of dragons and wolves, stags and silver trouts. Say it quiet wolf and I would undo it all". He had thought long and hard, but it had been thoughts of his family, his wife and his children and nephew that had made his decision. He realised painfully that had his father and brother and sister survived, Catelyn would not be his, and the children would not exist, and though he still missed his siblings and father, he knew he could not handle the pain of losing his love and babes. "I am but one man; who am I to change the course of nature, I have no wish to change the Gods' will." he had told her solemnly. Her scowl had been wicked. "You are a selfish man, Lord Stark and will be punished."_

The remainder of his dream, Ned did not remember. _Please Gods, no. Would that this were not happening._ He jolted up in the bed, suddenly noticing with a panic his wife's absence, and he did not fail to notice the ease with which he moved, a youthful vigour he hadn't felt in a few years. He all but ran to the looking glass at the other side of the chamber and gasped to see his face looking back, as if time had gone back 15 years. He felt his legs go underneath him and he fell to the floor, tears, unbidden coming to his eyes. _My strong sons and sweet daughters, they're gone, Robb and Sansa and Arya and Bran and Rickon and Catelyn… I have lost Catelyn.  Oh gods._ He curled up on the cold stone and wept, lost wish anguish over thoughts of his loved ones of another life.

 

When his tears had run dry, for a while Ned remained his head between his knees paralysed with grief as he willed this nightmare to be over. His grief filled trance was only broken by a knock on the great oaken door.

"Ned! Where have you been brother? You're needed in my solar to discuss the Ryswells visit." Ned hadn’t heard that voice in many years, but he still recognized those  bounding tones. _Brandon_. He lifted his head from his knees and caught a glimpse of his red, dead looking grey eyes. He rubbed at them vigorously as he slowly made his way to the door, and beheld his dead brother for the first time in fifteen years.

 

He had forgotten how large his brother was. Almost as muscled as Robert Baratheon and half a head taller than Ned was. His dark grey eyes alive and never still, his powerful jaw working constantly. "Brandon" he said croakily, a wave of mixed emotions coming over him suddenly. He did not know whether to embrace him fiercely or to slam the door on him and will him dead again. Somehow though his dead brother was a physical being before him he felt distant. "Fuck's sake Eddard, you look as if you've faced the others. Don't enter my solar until you are more presentable." With that he turned and walked away purposefully. Ned stood rooted to the spot staring at the ghost of his brother. He wanted to shout out. To tell Brandon of the witch and the dream. _This has to be a dream after all. Why must it feel so real._ _When will I wake to find Cat beside me and our babes safe abed._ But he knew he would only appear a madman if he did. He closed the door, swallowing the great lump in his throat and did as Brandon bid.

 

Ned found Brandon, Poole and Martyn Cassel in his solar. _Brandon's solar. Brandon is lord and I am a second son. Father must be dead after all, for all the wood witch promised._ "Ah my grim brother. Join us, we must discuss the Ryswells visit". Ned numbly sat amongst the men, thinking of when he could return to his room to close his eyes. As they began discussing the matters of the visit. He only spoke when directly spoken to and answered shortly. "And we shall give Lord Ryswell this bedchamber as befits a man of his status. And sweet lady Barbrey shall not have need of one I do believe." Brandon finished with a cocky smirk. Ned did not miss the way Poole looked at Cassel. "My lord I do not wish to presume too much but surely Lady Catelyn would not find those arrangements suitable." He said carefully. "A mere jape Cassel, and you do presume too much to question the judgment of your lord." Brandon interrupted loudly. Ned heard none of it his heart had stopped beating at Catelyn's name. _Lady Catelyn. Oh Gods they have wed. How could I have forgotten their betrothal. Catelyn is here in Winterfell. Catelyn is wed to Brandon._ A blind rage filled him where before there had only been emptiness and grief. The thought of Brandon being wed to Catelyn made him want to throttle his brother. He desperately shot up out of his chair and with a brief "Forgive me, my lords" he raced out of the solar and found his way out of the great keep, through the courtyard, noticing the absence of Cat's sept he had built for her. And before he knew what he was doing he was before the heart tree head bowed, and hoping the silence would quell the deep ache in his heart.

 

Ned passed the next few hours in silence before he could not ignore his hunger, for he had not eaten at all this day. The sky was darkening and he guessed that the evening meal would be served now so he made his way to the great hall and when he came to his senses just as he was about to enter and realised that Catelyn must be at her meal now, sitting beside Brandon, he felt ill. _How will I be able to see her and not run to her and take her into my arms and kiss her. How will I stand seeing her and talking to her with the courteous pleasantries of a good brother._ He told himself he would have to be strong and with a false sense of security he pushed open the door.

 

She was sitting on the dais, in discussion with Old Nan and smiling at the ridiculous tale she was obviously telling. And Ned had never seen a more beautiful sight in his life. It took all his strength to appear normal as he walked up to the dais, not sure whether he wanted to sit as close or far from her as possible. All he knew was that her hair was dancing in the firelight, in tones of copper and autumn and sunset skies and he wanted nothing more than to bury his face in it and smell her sweet scent, knowing she was alive. When Catelyn noticed him approaching she smiled at him and beckoned him to sit beside her. It was only then that he noticed Brandon's absence.

 

"Ned, I have not seen you all day! Nan was just telling me about how Brandon and yourself would run naked from hot pool to hot pool as babes. It is quite amusing I must admit." She laughed sweetly as Nan added some comment he did not hear, too lost in the sight of his love. Catelyn had no fine lines on her face and she appeared more youthful, but other than that she looked just as she always had, her eyes as deep blue as a winter rose, that he would get lost in, her hair long and thick and that beautiful rich auburn she had given to most of their children. Her smile and laugh lit up her face and his world as it always did. And unbidden, a smile broke out on Ned's face, and were he any other man it would have been laced with tears. He was almost about to reach out and touch her, to make sure she was physical when he remembered Brandon and why he was here and that although he loved her more than anything, he was nought but a good brother to her.  He breathed in deeply before he spoke to her to clear his voice. "My lady, where is Brandon this evening." Her smile died on her face as he spoke the words. She paused before answering. "Your brother did not tell me he would not be joining us. But a maid of mine told me he has yet again decided he prefers the company of wintertown whores to his wife and men at mealtimes." Her words left him speechless. _How could Brandon be so foolish so damnably horrible to shame her in such a way. How could he spurn the most beautiful, kind, intelligent, brave woman in the world for some whore._ Catelyn looked taken aback at his shocked expression. "Forgive me, Eddard. I forget myself. I often forget the two of you are brothers, as different as you are." She looked down at her plate and continued eating her meal. He put his hand on her arm. "Brandon is a fool, my lady. You are the greatest woman in the world and the best wife a man could ever hope for." He met her gaze and he realized how intensely he was gazing at her when her cheeks coloured. He released his hold on her arm and stared at his meal, wishing he could take back his words. 

 

They ate in silence only broken my Nan's meanderings for the rest of the meal and when it ended Ned realised both he and Catelyn would be going to the great keep. He offered her his arm and escorted her across the yard and into the keep, painfully aware of her long fingers on his arm, embarrassed by the way his body was responding simply by having her there beside him. He was halfway to her chambers, _their chambers_ , when Catelyn spoke up. "Ned my chambers are just here." He furrowed his brow before realising that Brandon had given her a larger but much colder chamber than he had. _Catelyn needs warmth, not more vastness around her in the large halls of Winterfell._ He should have turned back to his own chambers but somehow he couldn't not with her right there before him. He did not know what to do or say so he just stood rooted in hopeless agony. _We shared a life together. We went through two wars and so much pain and we still were happy in each other. We could argue bitterly and still need to sleep in each others arms that night. We had five children, surely you remember. Robb, our brave boy, Sansa our gentle girl, Arya our wild spirit, Bran our sweet boy and Rickon our baby…_ Catelyn reached up tentatively to wiped at his eyes. And as he came back to his senses he realised he was breathing heavily. He held her sweet hand to his face and pulled her close to him wrapping her in his arms. His heart dropped at the way Catelyn stiffened in his embrace, but he couldn't let go now that he was holding her at last. Only when she relaxed slightly did he bury his face in her hair and breath in her sweet scent. The feel of her body against him had made him ache with need for her and she must have felt him because she pulled back. "Ned…" she said softly, "Ned, what is the meaning of this?" _You love me, you must, I am your husband I need you, my love_. "Cat… Cat..." he said his voice catching before he saw the concerned and bewildered expression on her face. Then he let her go completely and stepped back. "Forgive me, my lady." He grumbled before turning sharply and quickly making his way back to the bedchamber of his youth, knowing that no sleep would come this night.


	2. Chapter 2

Ned stood to Brandon's right, Catelyn on his left in the busy yard as they waited on the approaching party. It had been a busy past few days, and Ned found himself embracing many of the household duties, especially since Brandon was often preoccupied, just for something to distract himself from his circumstances. He had avoided Catelyn at all costs since the first night, going out of his way to eat alone or avoid places where she might be. That had cut deeply, to be so close to her yet distancing himself all the same, yet it was too risky. It had simply been too painful to be in the same vicinity as her, and he had acted foolishly, unable to hide his emotions, unable to conceal the love he felt for this woman. If he acted such a way again she would surely think him mad and indecent. He recalled her perplexed expression at his vulnerability and desire for her and felt a sorrow too deep for words. But there was the other thing as well. What if she had told Brandon. He thought it unlikely that she had; while Brandon dishonored Catelyn often he was entirely possessive of all, let alone his wife. Had he heard that his brother had forcefully embraced his wife, Ned was sure he would not be in a condition to greet the Ryswells. 

 

In truth Ned hadn't spent a great deal of time with his brother. He couldn't even be in a room with him without gritting his teeth and clenching his knuckles, and Brandon didn't seek him out often either. It shouldn't have surprised him; he and Brandon had never been close partly due to their opposite dispositions as well as their long periods apart in his youth. And Ned had always preferred the company Lyanna, his little sister, but she was far away in Storms End.  _How I long to see her once more_.  It also seemed as if Brandon was always travelling somewhere, despite only a few days having passed; whether hawking with his men in the wolfswood, or riding to Castle Cerwyn, or spending time in the Wintertown. The smallfolk loved him naturally, as gregarious and charming as he was, but Ned had to wonder how the castle would run at all had Catelyn not been wed to him.  _She could run a kingdom let alone a household. I have never feared to leave Winterfell in her capable hands._

 

Now, however, Brandon was in Winterfell, waiting to greet the Ryswells with an eagerness that Ned thought passing queer, until he recalled his brother's comment in the solar. Barbrey Ryswell too. Well Brandon always took what he wanted. Ned felt physically ill. _What more could a man need when he already has her_.  This day of course, he had been unable to avoid Catelyn and seeing her again had been a sort of sweet torture. She wore a gown of Tully blue and Stark grey, one she had stiched during her youth in Riverrun that she had still fit her for many years in Winterfell. It was one of Ned's favourites; the blue in the gown almost matched that of her eyes and the dull grey only made her hair stand out more. The line of the dress was modest enough, but showed the tops of her full breasts, something that Ned saw Brandon did not fail to notice. When he had seen Brandon's eyes wander down her cleavage as they had gathered in the courtyard, Ned had to turn away and gripped his palms tightly for control. When Catelyn had greeted him on his approach, he had not missed the questioning in her eyes and after he had mustered up a courteous nod to them he had torn his eyes away. It would not do to look upon her for long. If I do anything foolish around Brandon Gods know what will happen. It was hard. So very hard, to watch his wife's hand on his brother's arm, the noble Lord and Lady Stark. Ned tried to focus very hard upon a point on the high stone walls, and forget where he was, when riders appeared through the gates.

 

A tall, older man who Ned recognized as Lord Ryswell rode in proudly on his horse, his lady wife beside him, a greying woman who had still maintained a handsomeness. Barbrey followed with several others, and Ned thought it strange to see the woman so young, her hair a rich brown rather than shot with silver. Ned saw the way her eyes brightened when they fell to Brandon as he greeted her Father and introduced his wife. She loves him, perhaps the purpose of the visit is to see him once more. So many women had professed to love Brandon, as soon as they were the target of his dazzling smiles and charming wit. He had spent the last few nights sleeplessly torn on wondering how much Catelyn loved Brandon. A part of him had clung desperately to the fact that she had spoken unfavourably about him at the evening meal, yet another part of him, a far purer part that just wanted her to be content and have happiness in whatever life she lived, regardless of how he felt.

 

Brandon had many mistresses throughout the north in his youth and Ned realised soon that Barbrey had been one of them. When Brandon knelt kissed her hand he winked at her with a smirk, confident that Catelyn was deep enough in conversation with Lord Ryswell to not notice. After the introductions were made, they were to move to the great hall immediately to begin the feast, as dusk was approaching rapidly. Brandon took Barbrey's arm to escort her inside the great hall and Ned noticed Catelyn's taken aback expression with a pang. "I will escort lady Barbrey, we have so much to discuss." He directed at Catelyn. Anyone else in the yard would think she looked as graceful and poised as ever but Ned knew that face better than his own, and he saw the hurt there that made him want to take her in his arms.

 

He couldn't though, so instead he approached her held out his arm. "My lady?" He said gently. Catelyn smiled gratefully and made Ned's heart beat even harder, taking his arm. As they entered the hall Ned saw how richly decorated it looked, how plentiful the food seemed. "You have excelled yourself Ca... My lady. I don't think the great hall has ever looked this fine." He spoke without looking at her, his voice even for all he felt to be with her. She smiled up at him "I know it is excessive, Ned. Its only that this visit has been so important to Brandon, I thought I thought this might please him." Ned looked at her, feeling pained at the dull expression on her face. "My Lady, I'm sure Brandon is pleased in all that you do." squeezing her hand gently, with his other. It was a gesture that seemed so familiar to him that he forgot it was too intimate for a goodbrother. He removed his hand quickly and was silent until they reached the dais. 

 

Catelyn seated herself beside Brandon and Ned sat on her left. Lord Ryswell was deep in conversation with Brandon and included Catelyn as she sat down. Ned sat in silence and pecked at his meal. He found himself reaching for his cup of ale more oft than not, despite his usual aversion to drinking too much. By the time the last course was brought out, and the singer had begun to play, Ned felt dizzy and numb. Lord and Lady Ryswell joined each other for a dance. Ned saw Catelyn look expectantly at Brandon, who was discussing a matter with Cassel, but he did not seem to notice. When he finally tore himself away from the captain of the guard however, it was not his wife's hand he asked for in dance, it was lady Barbrey's. My brother is a cruel man, he thought as he saw Catelyn's face hardened, her cheeks aflame. It took all his force not to take her face in his hands, especially considering how the ale had weakened his resolve. He realised he was staring at her, dumbfounded with pain and love and the horror of knowing he couldn't comfort her, when she glanced at him hesitantly. "Would you join me in a dance, Ned." She asked him softly. He wanted more than anything to say yes. He had always loved twirling and lifting Catelyn as she laughed. She loved to dance and though he had no talent, he would always give in to her. But not now. "Forgive me Catelyn. I will only make a fool of both of us, in my cups as I am." In truth he could not ensure he would be able to stand being so close to her, yet unable to truly touch her, to feel the comfort of her lips the familiar taste and smell of her. Thinking of it even now made him shiver with desolation and arousal. She looked disappointed but made no move to get up and seek another partner.

 

They silently watched Brandon twist Barbrey in his arms for quite some time and Ned saw they were drawing a few eyes around the hall, Brandon's hand low on her back, the whispering into each other's ears giving away their intentions. It was all so painfully obvious and Ned could think of nothing to say to this woman he loved. He saw her reach for her cup and drain it in one drink. But she did not but the cup down, instead sheilding her face with it, and Ned knew from the way she bit her lip to the fierce determination in her eyes, that she was holding against tears. The thought of his wife wanting to cry tore his heart apart and he had to squeeze her shoulder gently, releasing some of the tension built up there. She looked up at him and there was vulnerability in her look, not concern over his touch, and he wanted nothing more than to give her the comfort of his embrace.  _Is it a comfort at all when I am not even her love?_ "Lady Barbrey..." Catelyn started, "Brandon was close with her in his youth he told me," She looked over to where they were laughing and japing and dancing. People were passing out at their tables, the hall had emptied slightly and the singer was playing the bawdier songs now. "They were, my lady. Brandon fostered near her father's castle in his youth and they were both fond of riding," Her cup was full again after a serving girl attented to them and she drained much of the chalice again. She laughed emptily. "She seems a lively girl." She commented dully. "The sort of woman Brandon would want. Well i suppose he need not wish, for she is present now." Ned did not know how to respond.  _Tell her that Brandon is a fool and will never be worthy of your love and a sane man would only want you, and I only want you._ Instead, he decided he was about to give her reassurance in Brandon's affection towards her when Ned noticed that Lady Barbrey had left, nowhere to be seen. It was not till he saw Brandon's figure exit the side door when he realised where they were going... together. Catelyn noticed at the same time that he did. "Gods be good" she whispered, draining the remainder of her chalice, head drooped in a way he had rarely seen. "Cat, do you want to leave? I'll take you to your chambers if you wish." She shook her head. "I'll retire, but someone must stay here while our guests." She stood and then hesitated. "Thank you Ned." She said softly before she rushed out of the hall. 

 

That night he slept fitfully, if at all. Formless dreams of his children and wife haunted him as he tossed and turned amidst the blankets. He woke in the middle of the night with Catelyn on his mind, how lovely she had looked tonight, how much he needed her. He took himself into is hand and hugged on his pillow as if it were someone physical.  _As though it were her._ Her name was on his lips as he spilled his seed, but when his breathing slowed the deep ache within him remained. _I want it to be as it was. I would do anything. Please Gods take me back. I cannot live like this. Not without them. Not when she has no memory of us._ He couldn't weep, his grief was hard inside him, a solid unmoving weight as heavy as the stones of Winterfell itself, unable to be moved by mere tears. So instead he rose and dressed and left his room, seeking whatever comfort the Gods would give him.  _Take me back._ He would pray to them.  _Or if not, take me at least, for I am too weak for this._ He drifted silently down Winterfell's halls and was startled to hear a small cry out coming from one of its chambers. _My chambers... no Brandon's chambers... He must be entertaining Barbrey even this late._ Ned sighed deeply and hurried more quickly towards the Godswood, not wishing to hear anything more. As he knelt before the heart tree, the wind blew around him, whistling amongst the leaves and forming a thousand memories. He thought of his children as they ran amongst the trees, Robb with wooden sword and Rickon waddling with the fat little legs of babehood. He thought of Arya swimming through the pools and Sansa singing as she wove flowers into her hair. He thought of Bran climbing so high, swinging from branch to branch.  _Father._ The whispers of the trees seemed to form into sounds that caused Ned to look up. He felt a presence.  _The Gods. I only hope they would be so good as to heed me._ _  
_

The following morning as he rose, Ned almost considered taking his meal in his room, as had become his way, but then he realised he needed to see that Catelyn was alright. He descended to the hall, eager, despite all, to look upon her as he always was. When he entered the hall however Catelyn was not there. _Brandon, all the men, all the Ryswells, even Nan, but no Catelyn._ Ned tried to disguise the loathing he was feeling at his brother and casually enquired after the lady of Winterfell. "She was tired." He responded shortly, before turning his back to talk to Lord Rodrik. "Brandon." Ned said loudly. "Catelyn would never remain abed for mere tiredness. Is she unwell?" Brandon turned back towards him, looking irritated and angered. "Yes brother, In fact she did mention that she was unwell. Best avoid the woman for the next few days." With that Brandon turned away again and Ned was left unable to finish his meal.  _If she isn't here after all she must truly be unwell. I need to see if she is alright, just for a moment._ He excused himself and made his way swiftly into the keep up the stone stairs and found himself before Catelyn's door. He knocked thrice, thinking if she did not answer he would enter anyway.  _I have never bode well when she is ill. It feels as though I cannot breath until she is cured._ "What is it" his wife's voice called from inside. Ned cleared his throat. "Cat its me, I wanted to see if you are alright, Brandon mentioned that you were feeling ill." There was a long pause before she responded. "Ned, I am feeling quite alright you need not concern yourself, I am simply weary." _No you are very unwell or else you would have presented yourself this morning. I know you my love._ "Please Catelyn, would you open the door so I might look upon you." His heart was starting to race. "Ned... I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Go and break your fast properly." Concern gripped him. "Catelyn I am coming in, I know you are ill, forgive me my lady." He turned the knob of the door and opened it slowly, so that she may have time to cover herself if she was indecently exposed.  _If only she knew how intimately I knew her naked body, every line and curve and fold._ When he stepped through however, Catelyn was fully dressed, her hair a halo around her but when he saw what Catelyn had tried immediately to conceal his heart stopped beating. 

 

A red bruise, swollen and sore, stood out amongst her porcelain face.  _  
_


End file.
